I know I’ve been a bit more than rubbish at posting over the past couple weeks so, to make things worse, I’m going on holiday for a week.

TWA will be back on 19th May.

Ta ta.

Right, I should say from the off, even before you start typing:

“It’s hardly the worst advert on TV, is it Silky you shithead?”

I’m being more pedantically critical of this advert than I would be off, let’s say, The Gadget Helpline advert.

And I’m allowed to as well.

Not only because I’m the one mashing the keyboard with my fists eawmfwldkrewal, kdsaq d,kfr[rsu,erxc but because this advert is in a different league to, let’s say, Moonpig, in terms of production quality. I’d even go as far as saying someone actually thought about what was going to be in it before they started filming it.

I like to think of it as the difference between criticising a West End play and a primary school Nativity play. One is performed by attention seeking egomaniacs and the other is a West End play etc.

Anyways, where was I?

Ah, yes this Budweiser advert:

I really, really want to like this advert. I think it’s got a great (Warning: hippyish meaningless bollocks about to be typed) *feel* about it. I think it’s filmed nicely and that Colonel Parker/Sanders fella sure does talk funny in it.

But, but, but… I really, really hate the use of a modern band covering a “love to hate it” track as the way they depict dedication.

This probably stems from my hatred of bands that appear on Radio 1’s Live Lounge and *ironically* cover old tracks through a sneer. Bands that have names that mean less than nothing (read: that I just don’t get) like Vampire Weekend, Conjunctivitis Photocopier and Erectile Disco Function.

Bands that introduce the track with an underplayed and thoroughly unenthusiastic: “Here’s one that you might recognise.”.

Yeah, you’re damned right I’ll recognise it because it’s catchier, better written and has sold more copies then anything you’ll ever do, you self-satisfied, contemptuous cunt.

So maybe this advert is quite so scornful of the song it covers but it’s still trading on the hilarious irony of using Popcorn.

It’s been done before and it wasn’t funny then and it’s not funny now.

No, surely they could have thought of a funnier, more original way to depict dedication.

You know, like maybe if they rehearsed loads for a gig at a theme park only to find out that a puppet show was above them on the play list. Now that’s funny and surely no-one’s thought of it before?

OK, as I’ve admitted before, it’s easier to slag something off than it is to create something, but I just don’t find this idea in the slightest but amusing.

I told you it was pedantically critical…

I’ve mentioned previously that I’m not the biggest fan of the fashion industry. And anyone who’s seen the way I dress will tell you it’s true.

No, to me, fashion is the 10lb floater in the public toilets of modern life. Even the smell of fashion makes me retch if I get within, let’s say, ooh, 10 feet of it.

And that’s standing upwind.

But some people like the smell. In fact they love it. And they like the feeling too.

So they dip their hands in the bowl and smear the fashion turd all over their bodies. God it makes them feel so good, it’s almost sexual. It’s kind of like covering your body in fashion chocolate sauce except it’ll give you fashion hepatitis when you lick it off.

And when I see these people walking down the street I can’t help but think, as I tuck my navy blue polo shirt back into my jeans and do my belt up another notch:

“What do you look like wearing that shit?”

But it often does make people feel good about themselves because the message from the fashion industry is so often “Wear this and it’ll make you unique and special”.

And we all wish we were special, right? So very special.

But the fashion industry is a creep and what people don’t hear - because the fashion industry puts its hand over its mouth and says it in a whisper - is that “We made 500,000 of them in China last month alone! You fools!”.

Take the VO5 Extreme Style hair, erm, wank, for instance.

By putting the hair, erm, wank through your, erm, hair you can transform yourself from just another uniform, faceless, erm, soldier into a unique and special, erm, soldier. Or some shit like that.

In fact, it will make you so unique and special that you’ll have hair that only looks exactly like the hair of 7 other people on the military base that you’ve been mysteriously taken to.

Oh, and it will mean you’ll get to hold hands and cuddle on a Jeep. Ahh.

Note: If you really want to see unique hair you should see mine first thing in the mornings. Then again in the afternoon when I try to tame it but only make it worse.

Obviously what’s seemingly lost on the non-conformist, mould-breakers is that by buying this product they’ll be conforming to the business model or mould, if you will, that the hair, erm, wank manufacturers have devised or cast, if you will.

Tsk, I bet all those non-conformists feel pretty stupid right about now, don’t you?

If you’re anything like me, you can never decide what to wear on your sex holidays to Brazil.

There’s just too much pressure and the women you meet (I initially spelt that “meat” in a dirty little euphemistic typo) are so judgemental about your clothes.

“Pleats on the front of trousers? What is this the 90s?” They ask.

“Shirts with pockets? This isn’t a business convention, you know?” They question.

“Only wear Speedos if you got something to show off!” They mock.

And that’s when you’re with one woman at a time.

Good God, could you imagine what it would be like if you went on some sort of “South American threesome get away”?

How on Earth would you know what to wear?

You know what I hate about pizza?

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a food product almost completely lacking in good quality double-entendres.

As hard as one might try it’s very difficult to make a amusing saucy comment about cheese and tomatoes on baked dough.

“Do you want a thin crust or… deeeeeeep paaaaaan?”

“Would you prefer a…. Hawaiiaaaaaan? Fwoar!”

So thank God for Pizza Hut and their new advert.

For not only do Pizza Hut sell a pizza that requires the waiting staff to ask customers:

“Do you want a double stufffed crust?”

The advert also includes a line that’s normally only heard in back-street massage parlours come saunas.

An “extra happy ending with every slice”, you say?

I’ll have a… laaaarge oneeeee, then! Wahey!

Please feel free to leave any Pizza based smut in the comments. And if you’re lucky, Pizza Hut might use it in their next advert.

Judge for yourself.

Blimey!

There goes another month in shit advert land.

Although it has been a month of some advertising abominations, it has also been a month of joy with the return of everyone’s favourite high-waist banded, villa selling, uber-Spaniard Jose Luis Hernández from Polaris World.

Hoorah!

And, on top of Jose’s return we seem to have final bade “good riddance” to tight-skinned doer of made-up job and discoverer of all things bullshit Nadine Baggott.

Although, if I’m honest, I am a little sad to see her go. After all it’s one less person to get in a rage about.

Now, who’s this Eve Cameron fellow…

Ooh, and it looks as if we’ve seen the last of Howard from the Halifax adverts.

Which is a massive shame because after 8 years of performing, in essence, song rape by making popular ditties be about interest rates those adverts were finally growing on me…

And finally, it’s been a bumper year for complaints about adverts.

This frankly amazes me. I mean, what sort of idiot would complain about the quality of adverts?

April’s Top 5 Bad Ads

And so to this month’s idiocy. Here’s the top 5:

1. Picture Loans - Dad’s Found Your Scooter
2. Picture Loans - An Adult Conversation
3. Moonpig
4. The Gadget Helpline
5. Injury Lawyers 4 U - Billy Murray

Ironically, the Halifax is out of the top 5 for the first time in ages. They’ve been replaced by Billy Murray and his Injury Lawyers 4 U advert.

Maybe it was karma.

Maybe it was destiny.

Maybe they should sue.

Who knows.

Same time, next month?

What I love about the BBC is it’s independence and it’s complete lack of advertising.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

Sorry about that, I can never say that with a straight face.

Whether the BBC is busy promoting a West End musical or pumping police propaganda into our living rooms it seems far from independent these days.

And you simply can’t turn onto a BBC channel without seeing an advert for one of their other BBC shows (OK, they might call them “trailers” but there’s at least one on ever 30 minutes on each channel).

Generally these range from the tediously factual “Songs of Praise on BBC 1 in 30 minutes” type to the outrageous tabloid headline “Pensioners Raped in NHS Hospital by Government on Panorama Tuesday 8pm” type.

Neither of which particularly bother me.

However, this one for the return of Bianca Jackson to Eastenders takes the biscuit. It really does:

Yes, Bianca shouting “Ricky” at the top of her voice may have been her trade mark but, oh God, her singing voice on this advert makes me wish I were deaf.

Sung in one droning note, it has the same effect on my brain as stuffing a burning bag of dog shit in my ear and having an angry door step owner stamping it out.

And she quite literally (Ricky) butchers one of the greatest pop songs ever written with her mockney accent:

“When argh ad you to maa selve argh deedn’t warghnt you argh round.”

She annunciates like she’s Barbara Windsor to the power of Dick Van Dyke.

Oh, Anita Dobson must be turning in her grave!

No BBC, this advert is too much, too much I tell you.

Are you one of those poor deluded fools that thinks “TV Advertising” is all about “Advertising” on “TV”?

Don’t you know what century it is, Grandad?

Haven’t you heard of social networking? User-generated content? Not even heard of the internet?

No? People like you make me sick!

In this modern age, it seems that TV advertising is as much about creating an online *buzz* as it is having a good advert. Of course, the pinnacle is creating an online *buzz* and having a great advert, like Cadburys did with their Drumming Gorilla advert - I’m sure I’m not the only one who saw the advert on YouTube before seeing it on the tele box.

And Sony are trying the same with their latest advert for their fancy digital imaging equipment - you know, like cameras and shit.

They’ve been creating an online *buzz* for a few weeks now - helped by the fact some people are keen to see how they’re going to follow up: Balls, Paint and Bunnies.

They’ve done it with rumours being leaked from the film set, flying blogger what blogs about adverts to Miami (not this one though, advert haters, but like the Murphy’s, I’m not bitter), posting sneak previews on YouTube.

Until finally they post this online a good 2 weeks before it’s going to be shown on UK TV:

So, seeing as it’s not as good as the hype (oh yeah, and did I mention I didn’t get a free trip to the States) I think it’s only right that we create a little bit of negative online *buzz* here at TV’s Worst Adverts.

I’ll get the ball rolling, you feel free to jump in whenever:

• Derivative! Shit!
• Self-indulgent! Wankers!
• Messy! Bastards!

I mean, even if the flights were too expensive, they could have at least sent me some stuff, you know, like cameras and shit…

What do you think the makers of this advert were watching on MTV when they came up with the idea:

Leave your answers in the comments, please.

Not yet though….

Wait for it….

OK, Go!

Some might say that watching American Idol is torture enough but having to sit through these Chicago Town pizza adverts every ad break compounds that torture no end:

Much like the pizzas they are advertising these 10 second thumb screws are exceedingly cheap and particularly tasteless.

All feature a hapless bunch of misfits who were found, I presume, scavenging round the clothes recycling bins at the local Asda by the production company. Although, quite aptly for sponsorship of a TV talent show, the *stars* are clearly desperate to get on TV now matter how badly they have to degrade themselves in front of the viewing public.

Such as the charmingly retiring girl in the advert shown above.

As she (amazingly) manages to “out-slag” Girls Aloud, with her bingo wings flailing and bosomers heaving in her bestest River Island dress, I can’t help but wonder “Why?” (For the record, I also normally wonder whether I’m going to keep my tea down).

Why would you do that to yourself?

What did they tell her that made her think appearing in that advert was a good idea?

I guess they offered to pay her in Chicago Town pizzas and she was more than happy with this deal to make herself look like a giant lime and orange jelly having a fit.

But Chicago Town, what do you think she makes you look like?